Good tidings of great joy! The missing peace is found. I will have super weeks again. I am no longer lost and unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I couldn't, in good conscience, keep this unexpected blessing to myself any longer!
We had wonderful news this week when Brianna had the interview we've waited so long for,, and was granted lawful permanet residency in the United States. Other blessings: My friend, Karen, helped me find and decorate a cheerful little Christmas tree for our home, and shop for gifts, which she then wrapped for me, for I am a notoriously bad wrapper. A few Christmas cards have begun trickling in, and we're preparing to mail out a few of our own. Colin received his letter of acceptance from Boise State University and will begin his studies in Jan. Brianna will most likely begin working toward a nursing degree in May. Shane is doing wellin school, wrestling, and life, and he achieved the Eagle rank this fall. Dan and Colin and I attended Shane's choir concert and were touched by the festive and the sacred music alike. The Hallelujah Chorus was positively stirring! Colin sang a hauntingly beautiful duet with our friend, Evan Darrington, tonight at the churchChristmas party, O Come, O Come, Immanuel, and as always, hearing one of my sons sing, put a glow in my heart. We're anticipating a visit from Ethan, Missy, and family for Christmas, and all our sons and their families are well. In short, the peace I thought I might never find is here in abundance.
Merry Christmas, my friends.Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Till We Meet
Thank you for the support you've given us throughout the past months. Your comments, contact of all kinds, faith and prayers were a great source of encouragement to us.By keeping us connected and united in Jordan's behalf, this blog fulfilled its purpose well, and is now complete.
Jordan lives on in another sphere, the spirit world, a place we'll each inhabit after this life while we await our final judgment and resurrection, and assignment to one of the three degrees of heavenly glory, the celestial, terrestrial, or telestial kingdom. Brianna is working as a CNA, and spending most of her spare time studying and practicing yoga, with a view toward teaching it at some point. As for me, I'm presently a little lost, not certain of what I'm supposed to be doing, seeking answers, but determined to keep the faith.
I'll continue to check this last post for comments or questions periodically, and reply as needed. People we've never met happen by once in awhile, and I'd like you to know that you're also welcome to leave quesstions or comments. May God be with us always, and may we be with Him.
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heav'nly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Jordan lives on in another sphere, the spirit world, a place we'll each inhabit after this life while we await our final judgment and resurrection, and assignment to one of the three degrees of heavenly glory, the celestial, terrestrial, or telestial kingdom. Brianna is working as a CNA, and spending most of her spare time studying and practicing yoga, with a view toward teaching it at some point. As for me, I'm presently a little lost, not certain of what I'm supposed to be doing, seeking answers, but determined to keep the faith.
I'll continue to check this last post for comments or questions periodically, and reply as needed. People we've never met happen by once in awhile, and I'd like you to know that you're also welcome to leave quesstions or comments. May God be with us always, and may we be with Him.
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heav'nly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
This Day Is One of Those
Mulling over for hours what to post, it took me awhile to settle on anything. How do you say life is as hard as nails without sounding like you're soaking in selfpity and seeking for sympathy? On the other hand, what if you aren't willing to pretend that everything is fine, that you've smoothly moved on with your life and that your heart isn't broken? I can do that in casual conversation, but I can't do it here. I won't expose my battered soul to view, but neither will I create a false impression of peaceful acceptance. I want to leave a true record of this harrowing trial behind me. Maybe it will be of use to someone else along the way.
Someone wished me a super week today. Super week?! My super weeks are over! That doesn't mean we don't laugh and look for ways to have fun around here, but expecting "super" is beyond the realm of possibilitty. Life is not letting us off the hook for a minute. Both good and bad continue to come our way, demanding patience, forbearance, and time spent in pleading for heaven's healing and guidance. My sister, Julie, shared the observation with me that I have an increased spiritual sensitivity since Jordan's departure. The Holy Spirit, and the unwelcome spirit of the adversary, have been close by at times, and I have had to consciously cling to the one, and decisively dismiss the other. An energy-sapping task, this. I found that this song penned by Michael McLean, and sung by (looking for artists' name) aptly describes the constantly shifting landscape of my life.
(Partial lyrics to "This Day Is One of Those."
There will be days so sweet
Blossoming like a rose;
There will be days complete
Where happiness overflows,
With everyone you meet a friendship grows.
You'll know on that day, you'll hear yourself say,
This day is one of those.
There will be days so tough
You'll wonder why you chose
Taking a path so rough, and trusting that heaven knows.
And when you've had enough
Of climbing the rocky roads,
You'll know on that day, you'll hear yourself say,
This day was one of those.
There'll be days that you feel you could just do without,
Other days that you want more of.
Days of answers and hope, days of questions and doubt,
Days when you never knew you were loved.
There will be days you swear God's inspiration flows,
There will be days in prayer you ask Him why it goes,
There will be days He cares more than you suppose,
This day is one of....
This day is one of those.
See you in November. May God bless us all.
Someone wished me a super week today. Super week?! My super weeks are over! That doesn't mean we don't laugh and look for ways to have fun around here, but expecting "super" is beyond the realm of possibilitty. Life is not letting us off the hook for a minute. Both good and bad continue to come our way, demanding patience, forbearance, and time spent in pleading for heaven's healing and guidance. My sister, Julie, shared the observation with me that I have an increased spiritual sensitivity since Jordan's departure. The Holy Spirit, and the unwelcome spirit of the adversary, have been close by at times, and I have had to consciously cling to the one, and decisively dismiss the other. An energy-sapping task, this. I found that this song penned by Michael McLean, and sung by (looking for artists' name) aptly describes the constantly shifting landscape of my life.
(Partial lyrics to "This Day Is One of Those."
There will be days so sweet
Blossoming like a rose;
There will be days complete
Where happiness overflows,
With everyone you meet a friendship grows.
You'll know on that day, you'll hear yourself say,
This day is one of those.
There will be days so tough
You'll wonder why you chose
Taking a path so rough, and trusting that heaven knows.
And when you've had enough
Of climbing the rocky roads,
You'll know on that day, you'll hear yourself say,
This day was one of those.
There'll be days that you feel you could just do without,
Other days that you want more of.
Days of answers and hope, days of questions and doubt,
Days when you never knew you were loved.
There will be days you swear God's inspiration flows,
There will be days in prayer you ask Him why it goes,
There will be days He cares more than you suppose,
This day is one of....
This day is one of those.
See you in November. May God bless us all.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Choosing the Right
Words! This is the week I've set for myself to choose the right headstone and epitaph for my precious Jordan. It's been on my mind for months, but until now I haven't felt a sense of urgency about it. It's here now though, so the search is on! I had a momentary pang of conscience for turning to the internet for inspiration, then I realized that that's exactly what Jordan would have done.. I even considered having the headstone resemble a widescreen monitor, but quickly dropped that idea.
So, about epitaphs. I haven't yet found the right one, but I have found quite a few wrong ones. For example, what on earth does this mean?
What lies behind him and what lies before him are tiny matters compared to what lied within him
And this one's kind of nice:
God could not have made earthly ties so strong to break them in eternity
Nice, but it's not exactly what I'm looking for. I'll know it when I find it, and it will be ready for placement by mid November, when Colin's home from his two-year church mission.
So, about epitaphs. I haven't yet found the right one, but I have found quite a few wrong ones. For example, what on earth does this mean?
What lies behind him and what lies before him are tiny matters compared to what lied within him
And this one's kind of nice:
God could not have made earthly ties so strong to break them in eternity
Nice, but it's not exactly what I'm looking for. I'll know it when I find it, and it will be ready for placement by mid November, when Colin's home from his two-year church mission.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Experience
D&C 122:7 "...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." But I have enough experience! How could this possibly be for anyone's good! I FEEL B A D, not at all good!
Nevertheless, we kept on going through the motions of living, with questions steadily mounting. For example, during the past month, Brianna has begun the CNA class, studying diligently, almost tirelessly, enjoys quizzing me from her class notes, and has recently been able to accept a couple of invitations for outings with a friend she and Jordan made while in the hospital. July found me poring over the scriptures in search of peace, quietly observing my birthday, feeling bored, with little to look forward to, giving my emotions a strenuous workout by swinging from hope to despair multiple times each day. On 7/29, we visited the open house of the Twin Falls temple, and nearby Shoshone falls. I accepted, and Brianna declined, an invitation by the Hobsons to attend next week's ward camp out at beautiful Ponderosa state park in McCall, ID, something I've always wanted to do, but was uncertain of how to accomplish. I'm still uneasy about how it will all play out, but I am so exquisitely weary of living a nothing-happening life, that I have resolved to go despite my fears! Later in the month, Shane, our youngest son, embarks upon his final year of high school, and Dan and I celebrate our 35th anniversary. Isn't that enough experience, dear Father, I ask. I could use more excitement, but hold, please hold, the experience.
I had an amazing change of heart today. Elders Beheshti and Canold came by. They sat and talked with me for awhile, and brought hope, and answers to many of my fervent, known-only=-to-God-and-me prayers. They did it with the help of the Holy Spirit, the scriptures, and a blessing that I lacked the courage to ask for even though I knew I was desperately longing for. I am so grateful they offered. For the first time in what feels like years, although it's only been weeks, I feel happy. I think I may truly be able to be happy again!
As for experience, at last I can see that I am learning, changing, becoming closer to the person I need to become. I also see the Savior differently. He is kinder, wiser, more loving, compassionate, courageous, and powerful than I previously understood! Expperience, teach me. I am now thy willing and attentive student.
Heb. 12: 10-11 "For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeththe peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."
Yes, big questions remain. I will cling to and trust in God's plan of happiness with all my might, and continue to search and learn from His holy word.
Nevertheless, we kept on going through the motions of living, with questions steadily mounting. For example, during the past month, Brianna has begun the CNA class, studying diligently, almost tirelessly, enjoys quizzing me from her class notes, and has recently been able to accept a couple of invitations for outings with a friend she and Jordan made while in the hospital. July found me poring over the scriptures in search of peace, quietly observing my birthday, feeling bored, with little to look forward to, giving my emotions a strenuous workout by swinging from hope to despair multiple times each day. On 7/29, we visited the open house of the Twin Falls temple, and nearby Shoshone falls. I accepted, and Brianna declined, an invitation by the Hobsons to attend next week's ward camp out at beautiful Ponderosa state park in McCall, ID, something I've always wanted to do, but was uncertain of how to accomplish. I'm still uneasy about how it will all play out, but I am so exquisitely weary of living a nothing-happening life, that I have resolved to go despite my fears! Later in the month, Shane, our youngest son, embarks upon his final year of high school, and Dan and I celebrate our 35th anniversary. Isn't that enough experience, dear Father, I ask. I could use more excitement, but hold, please hold, the experience.
I had an amazing change of heart today. Elders Beheshti and Canold came by. They sat and talked with me for awhile, and brought hope, and answers to many of my fervent, known-only=-to-God-and-me prayers. They did it with the help of the Holy Spirit, the scriptures, and a blessing that I lacked the courage to ask for even though I knew I was desperately longing for. I am so grateful they offered. For the first time in what feels like years, although it's only been weeks, I feel happy. I think I may truly be able to be happy again!
As for experience, at last I can see that I am learning, changing, becoming closer to the person I need to become. I also see the Savior differently. He is kinder, wiser, more loving, compassionate, courageous, and powerful than I previously understood! Expperience, teach me. I am now thy willing and attentive student.
Heb. 12: 10-11 "For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeththe peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."
Yes, big questions remain. I will cling to and trust in God's plan of happiness with all my might, and continue to search and learn from His holy word.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
All Is Well
I don't think I'll go quite that far, but I guess I can say a few things are well. Brianna will begin a CNA (certified nursing assistant) course later this month. She's put a lot of mileage on her new pink bicycle, and she's made Thai food for the family a couple of times from a cookbook she purchased. Today, she tried her hand at wonton soup with great success. And thanks to her, we've found that sliced cucumbers are a great addition to the wok when stir-frying, and that watermelon juice is delish.
I finally got my FISH analysis results from the big appointment with Dr. Byrd last Jan. According to his recommendations, I should be heading off for a stem cell transplant in the next little while since it showed I do indeed have the 17p deletion. I'll meet with the local guy to discuss it in the fall. Allogeneic SCT's aren't offered in this state. I'd have to relocate to a willing victim's home for several months, most likely with my sister Julie in Utah. Jordan's patience and courage are definitely an example to me, but there are other considerations. Right now, it's all we can do to cope with Jordan's too-soon journey to what feels like a very distant land.
5/7/09: I decided some time ago that there will be no SCT for this CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia).
We made a trip to WA in June, visiting with Dan's brother and sisters, and Ethan and Missy, and families. Bittersweet...we had wanted to go much earlier, for other reasons. Still and all, we're grateful to have been there. Family relationships are worth traveling, writing, phoning, emailing, and doing whatever it takes (maybe even forgiving and overlooking), to preserve! (In most circumstances, that is.)
Better than a visit from St. Nick, was last week's visit from Julie, Liz, and adorable nieces, Erin and Lily.
I finally got my FISH analysis results from the big appointment with Dr. Byrd last Jan. According to his recommendations, I should be heading off for a stem cell transplant in the next little while since it showed I do indeed have the 17p deletion. I'll meet with the local guy to discuss it in the fall. Allogeneic SCT's aren't offered in this state. I'd have to relocate to a willing victim's home for several months, most likely with my sister Julie in Utah. Jordan's patience and courage are definitely an example to me, but there are other considerations. Right now, it's all we can do to cope with Jordan's too-soon journey to what feels like a very distant land.
5/7/09: I decided some time ago that there will be no SCT for this CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia).
We made a trip to WA in June, visiting with Dan's brother and sisters, and Ethan and Missy, and families. Bittersweet...we had wanted to go much earlier, for other reasons. Still and all, we're grateful to have been there. Family relationships are worth traveling, writing, phoning, emailing, and doing whatever it takes (maybe even forgiving and overlooking), to preserve! (In most circumstances, that is.)
Better than a visit from St. Nick, was last week's visit from Julie, Liz, and adorable nieces, Erin and Lily.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
First and Last
Lilacs in bloom are undeniably beautiful, beautiful and fragrant, too. We planted two in Jordan's honor, a white one and a purple one. He wrote that they were his favorite flowers, and I am so hoping that, henceforth, they will bring an air of anticipation, and even gladness, to our May mourning. Regrettably, May is now behind us, and the dreaded month of June has arrived, the first of many months that we will have to live without Jordan. We miss him beyond all imagining. Life hurts without him here, and, after three interminable weeks, we wonder if we will ever be free, while in the flesh, of this megalithic pain. No matter where we go, on a picnic, to the farmers market, for a driving lesson, to plant vegetable seeds in the garden, pain silently, unrelentingly waits behind the door to deal its crushing blow. It stealthily hides in the words of formerly favorite hymns, making attendance at church a risky venture. Even though I believe that lilacs are beautiful, that the resurrection will be joyful, that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, my heart still aches, and tears still fall. I am convinced that God showered us with small- and medium-sized blessings throughout this fiery trial (mostly through the kindness of others), but I am still scorched and singed from the heat, praying for relief.
I've promised Brianna that I will protect her privacy, so nothing regarding her experiences will be written without her approval. Naturally, all who care for us and who have provided such loyal support are interested in her circumstances. Rest assured that we love Brianna like a daughter, and we will do everything in our power to sustain and befriend her, and to see her restored to happiness. May God bless us all, writer and readers, and may we all find perfect peace that lasts!
I've promised Brianna that I will protect her privacy, so nothing regarding her experiences will be written without her approval. Naturally, all who care for us and who have provided such loyal support are interested in her circumstances. Rest assured that we love Brianna like a daughter, and we will do everything in our power to sustain and befriend her, and to see her restored to happiness. May God bless us all, writer and readers, and may we all find perfect peace that lasts!
Martha's lilacs
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