D&C 122:7 "...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." But I have enough experience! How could this possibly be for anyone's good! I FEEL B A D, not at all good!
Nevertheless, we kept on going through the motions of living, with questions steadily mounting. For example, during the past month, Brianna has begun the CNA class, studying diligently, almost tirelessly, enjoys quizzing me from her class notes, and has recently been able to accept a couple of invitations for outings with a friend she and Jordan made while in the hospital. July found me poring over the scriptures in search of peace, quietly observing my birthday, feeling bored, with little to look forward to, giving my emotions a strenuous workout by swinging from hope to despair multiple times each day. On 7/29, we visited the open house of the Twin Falls temple, and nearby Shoshone falls. I accepted, and Brianna declined, an invitation by the Hobsons to attend next week's ward camp out at beautiful Ponderosa state park in McCall, ID, something I've always wanted to do, but was uncertain of how to accomplish. I'm still uneasy about how it will all play out, but I am so exquisitely weary of living a nothing-happening life, that I have resolved to go despite my fears! Later in the month, Shane, our youngest son, embarks upon his final year of high school, and Dan and I celebrate our 35th anniversary. Isn't that enough experience, dear Father, I ask. I could use more excitement, but hold, please hold, the experience.
I had an amazing change of heart today. Elders Beheshti and Canold came by. They sat and talked with me for awhile, and brought hope, and answers to many of my fervent, known-only=-to-God-and-me prayers. They did it with the help of the Holy Spirit, the scriptures, and a blessing that I lacked the courage to ask for even though I knew I was desperately longing for. I am so grateful they offered. For the first time in what feels like years, although it's only been weeks, I feel happy. I think I may truly be able to be happy again!
As for experience, at last I can see that I am learning, changing, becoming closer to the person I need to become. I also see the Savior differently. He is kinder, wiser, more loving, compassionate, courageous, and powerful than I previously understood! Expperience, teach me. I am now thy willing and attentive student.
Heb. 12: 10-11 "For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeththe peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."
Yes, big questions remain. I will cling to and trust in God's plan of happiness with all my might, and continue to search and learn from His holy word.
Nevertheless, we kept on going through the motions of living, with questions steadily mounting. For example, during the past month, Brianna has begun the CNA class, studying diligently, almost tirelessly, enjoys quizzing me from her class notes, and has recently been able to accept a couple of invitations for outings with a friend she and Jordan made while in the hospital. July found me poring over the scriptures in search of peace, quietly observing my birthday, feeling bored, with little to look forward to, giving my emotions a strenuous workout by swinging from hope to despair multiple times each day. On 7/29, we visited the open house of the Twin Falls temple, and nearby Shoshone falls. I accepted, and Brianna declined, an invitation by the Hobsons to attend next week's ward camp out at beautiful Ponderosa state park in McCall, ID, something I've always wanted to do, but was uncertain of how to accomplish. I'm still uneasy about how it will all play out, but I am so exquisitely weary of living a nothing-happening life, that I have resolved to go despite my fears! Later in the month, Shane, our youngest son, embarks upon his final year of high school, and Dan and I celebrate our 35th anniversary. Isn't that enough experience, dear Father, I ask. I could use more excitement, but hold, please hold, the experience.
I had an amazing change of heart today. Elders Beheshti and Canold came by. They sat and talked with me for awhile, and brought hope, and answers to many of my fervent, known-only=-to-God-and-me prayers. They did it with the help of the Holy Spirit, the scriptures, and a blessing that I lacked the courage to ask for even though I knew I was desperately longing for. I am so grateful they offered. For the first time in what feels like years, although it's only been weeks, I feel happy. I think I may truly be able to be happy again!
As for experience, at last I can see that I am learning, changing, becoming closer to the person I need to become. I also see the Savior differently. He is kinder, wiser, more loving, compassionate, courageous, and powerful than I previously understood! Expperience, teach me. I am now thy willing and attentive student.
Heb. 12: 10-11 "For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeththe peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."
Yes, big questions remain. I will cling to and trust in God's plan of happiness with all my might, and continue to search and learn from His holy word.
8 comments:
I am so grateful that you are having some beautiful experiences, and that you can feel the love of our Father in Heaven, even though your heart still mourns.
Bless those Elders who are listening to the spirit. Happy Anniversary to Bonnie and Dan and I hope your trip to McCall will give you a little respite from your recent "experiences". I pray August will bring answers to your soul and sunshine to your heart. There are alot of people pulling for you Bonnie!!
Your writing in so poignant. I can't help thinking that your way with words, and this dreaded, terribly hurtful "experience" will bless and comfort the lives of others perhaps through your writing?. I am glad to hear Brianna is still with you, and that the Elders gave comfort and peace. Happy Birthday and Anniversary--it's great to know you are willing to be happy again, Grandma, Mother, Wife, Friend Bonnie should be happy, after all she is so loved.
I'm so glad to hear anything from you, especially something as meaningful and beautiful as this. I think of you and Bonnie and Jordan every day. We will pray for you always.
Laura (Jake's mom)
I will gladly visit any place with a but of silliness, if it comes from you...!!! I appreciate your heart and faith to hope dear, dear, Bonnie!
Love to you and yours, N's Clan...
Thank you so much, Julie, Louise, Becky, Laura, and Polly.
Although the greatest griefs of our lives have been dissimilar, I know that what you say about the tender mercies of the Lord is true. He knows us by name, He will send comfort, the Holy Ghost can convey more than words a thousand times over. To your credit, you are a quick-study. For years I could not, would not accept the Lord's comfort regarding Ryan. Those were years when it felt as though I were being crushed to powder. It was only when I accepted the comfort the Spirit had been whispering to me all along that I began to make peace with myself and with heaven.
There is no way to compare griefs, they come in so many different forms. Even with death, one death is never like another. I'll never really understand what the past year has meant for you or how you have endured ALL the fiery trials you have been called on to bear.
Grieving is a world unto itself. It's as though all the rules have changed. You're in a world that is so intensely personal you just want to put a "Do Not Disturb" sign out so you can sort everything out. It's a place where the past and the future all melt into the present, into moments of intense emotion and thoughts you'd not been forced to consider before. Where insights come in unexpected places, and you startle yourself by laughing from time to time. At least that's what it was like for me after Ryan got worse and then my parents died. There is nothing that can equal losing a child, and I cannot blame you if you never come back to the world that pressed around you as the events of the past year unfolded. But I must tell you, I have missed you and thought about you so often. There was a time a couple of years ago when you first came onto the Porch. It was a fall evening and we were having some kind of fall hootenanny or something. It seemed several of us were online at the same time. We were recalling old songs around a bonfire (or something like that) and it all seemed so REAL. Maybe because I had been isolated from the world for so many years, I could almost smell the smoke in the air, hear the words of the music as we sat around, friends all, in a what-if moment. I'll never forget it. And I'll always associate you with it. I think you were playing the guitar that night or something. I had forgotten what it was to just sit around with friends and enjoy being alive. That was before the wolves of illness and loss crept into your camp. Before everything changed. Things can never be the same, but I hope as time goes on and our worlds continue to evolve, we will find ourselves sitting again before the warmth of a bonfire with new songs to sing. Miss you. Remember, the light is always on (smile, hug.)
Oh, Rebecca Michaela, what warm, spirit-filled words you've left for me to find. It didn't take too long either, and I'm thankful for that. I needed them just now!
I remember that time you wrote of too. Although it was a cyber gathering, it was real. Eternal friendships were formed in those unique evenings we spent together. I wish I could go back there. Right now, it just doesn't feel as if I can.
You may remember we took a little razzing for enjoying those simple pleasures of singing, cooking and reminiscing together? I could not bear that again! It was hard then, but would be devastating now. I wish there were a way to recreate a more secure gathering place, but nothing comes to mind. So, here, in the comment section of this blog, may be the best alternative.
Love to you, Michaela, and thank you so much for sharing your very personal insights with me.
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