First and Last
Lilacs in bloom are undeniably beautiful, beautiful and fragrant, too. We planted two in Jordan's honor, a white one and a purple one. He wrote that they were his favorite flowers, and I am so hoping that, henceforth, they will bring an air of anticipation, and even gladness, to our May mourning. Regrettably, May is now behind us, and the dreaded month of June has arrived, the first of many months that we will have to live without Jordan. We miss him beyond all imagining. Life hurts without him here, and, after three interminable weeks, we wonder if we will ever be free, while in the flesh, of this megalithic pain. No matter where we go, on a picnic, to the farmers market, for a driving lesson, to plant vegetable seeds in the garden, pain silently, unrelentingly waits behind the door to deal its crushing blow. It stealthily hides in the words of formerly favorite hymns, making attendance at church a risky venture. Even though I believe that lilacs are beautiful, that the resurrection will be joyful, that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, my heart still aches, and tears still fall. I am convinced that God showered us with small- and medium-sized blessings throughout this fiery trial (mostly through the kindness of others), but I am still scorched and singed from the heat, praying for relief.
I've promised Brianna that I will protect her privacy, so nothing regarding her experiences will be written without her approval. Naturally, all who care for us and who have provided such loyal support are interested in her circumstances. Rest assured that we love Brianna like a daughter, and we will do everything in our power to sustain and befriend her, and to see her restored to happiness. May God bless us all, writer and readers, and may we all find perfect peace that lasts!
Martha's lilacs
10 comments:
Dear Sweet Bonnie,Brianna and Family, We love you so much and pray that you will have comfort and healing from this awful pain, may time lessen the agony and the joyous memories remain. The lilac pictures are beautiful and gorgeous just as your reunion will be some day.
Much love to you all,
JulieB and family
How I wish I could be there and put my arms around all of you. You were so blessed to have Jordan, and he was blessed to have you. The love that this whole family shares with each other will go on eternally.
Lilacs may never look the same to me again, after your associating this wonderful flower with Jordan.
I don't know what it is like to ose a child, a sibling, or a spouse. None of those traumas has impacted me yet. But it hurts me to see how much this hurts you. Heavenly Father knows how it feels to lose a Son, and He can empathize with you in ways no human can. I pray that you will feel the love & comfort He extends
Sandy (a.k.a. curelom).
Your writing of this experience is so beautiful and strong that I feel the agony through it. I love the story of Lazarus. Jesus knew that he would be raising him from the dead so soon. He knew he would make Mary and Martha happier then they could imagine. He knew he would be reunited with his friend and take away the sting of death---yet he still wept. WHY? I think it was because of his love for Mary and Martha, for all of us, his love was so complete that he shared their grief and pain. He truly mourned with those who mourn and understood the loss. Even though he knew more than they, he did not make light of their pain and tada fix it--he wept because he loved them and of course he wept because he loves you, and Brianna, and Dan and Jordans' brothers, and nephews, and nieces, and Aunts, Uncles, etc.... He loves you and we will continue to pray for your peace. We love you too. Lilacs will always make me smile and remember you all, not just Jordan but his sweet family too.
You ALL continue to be in our family's prayers daily... We keep your names on the temple prayer rolls and we think about you often. Fervently we hope that the pain of loss will be slightly relieved soon...
I understand the part about how all the "understanding" does not intercede the pain... Some advice you gave me Bonnie when my mom and dad passed so close together has swept though my heart lately...
I expect your emotions to be all over the place for some time to come. I never knew when the wave of sadness was on its way to overwhelm me. But, eventually, they came less and less often. And they grew smaller in size. Not a wave any longer, just a spray of salt water in the eyes.
Your words proved to be prophetic for me... Perhaps the experience has no hope of being similar... with children as with parents... Never having lost a child I cannot even begin to understand... but I truly pray that yours and Brianna's hearts are given a similar response in record time.
Lilacs are how I imagine heaven to smell. What a beautiful flower. Just think every time you smell those beautiful lilacs, Jordan is sharing a piece of heaven with you. May blessings of comfort and peace continue to rain on your household.
Liz
Dear Meadowbee, Brianna, and all the family, you are in my thoughts each day. Bonnie, you so eloquently describe the experience of losing a loved one, your entry itself is a thing of beauty. Though I can never know what you are experiencing, I am touched by your goodness and honesty. Brianna, I still pray for you each night. Just know that you are loved within the larger circle of those who are your unmet friends.
The lilacs are lovely. The tiny bush I planted after my parents died four years ago is about four feet high now and bushing out with blossoms. It is a reminder to me of my parents, of the passing of time and the fragility of life. And now of Jordan, too.
Love and prayers to you.
We still think of what a beautiful Mother Bonnie and wife Brianna you continue to be. The rememberances through Lilacs as well as the service for send off of a beloved son and husband have touched our hearts forever. The heavenly father now has another in his eternal kingdom. These lessons in life that we learn when we go through such hardship hopefully inspire us to look around and see the many blessing that we have. Although I did not know any of you personally I feel connected through this journey that was (and still is) filled with hope for life and what it can and should mean. Love is what it is all about. Jordan was loved and gave love that is what keeps him eternal for everyone. This can still come through the door even though he will not physically anymore.
We send love from Illinois
Kevin & Paula
Lilacs are beautiful! Thinking of two everyday. Jordon was such an amazing young man.
Michelle
www.caringbridge.org/visit/diegofuentes
I think about Jordan often and also about your family. I hope that the days are getting easier. I have many reminders of Jordan and now I have another. We love you and you are in our hearts.
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